I always thought of myself as a good listener. Then I took a professional listening course through the Atlantic Listening Academy and realized that my skills were lacking in a few key areas especially when attempting to have a conversation with my husband.
With him, I wanted to connect but we often found ourselves interrupting each other, getting angry and defensive, making assumptions, or jumping to conclusions. Neither one of us felt understood or like it was a safe space to share.
Then I started practicing what I was learning in the course with him. I couldn’t believe how different our conversations went. When I set the intention to fully understand him instead of wanting him to understand me, everything got lighter. As a result, once he felt understood he started asking me more questions and listening to me to fully understand.
Maybe you don’t have this problem in your relationships, but you probably know someone who is struggling with wanting more connection. According to the 2020 Loneliness Report, more than half of Americans classify as lonely. The Atlantic Listening Academy’s vision is to teach people how to create an environment where others feel safe to share their hopes and fears, which will lead to a less lonely world.
When do people feel connected? We feel connected when we can share our interests and our internal world with someone who:
- shows genuine interest,
- expresses empathy,
- believes we have our own answers,
- can regulate their emotions while we share,
- and remembers at least some of the details.
In contrast, people feel lonely and disconnected when they don’t feel safe sharing. Maybe there is a history of being judged or told they are wrong. Maybe they get interrupted, or the person jumps to conclusions or tries to problem-solve without being asked first. We’ve all experienced this in conversations, and we all know it doesn’t feel good.
What are five listening strategies we can use that will lead to more connection?
- Set the intention to listen to fully understand – and be curious. When we set this intention, we are very precisely defining our role at the start. When we define our role, we know how to act accordingly.
- When the speaker pauses, reflect back what you heard and ask, “is that right”? Oftentimes, we aren’t paying close attention to what we say when we say it and it helps us clarify our thoughts and feelings when someone reflects back what we’ve said. Or it could be that your reflection isn’t quite what they said or what they meant, either way, your intention is to fully understand them. They will either know that you understood, or they will have an opportunity to try again.
- Make sure you are in a resourced state before listening. Listening to understand, especially in our close relationships, requires a level of calm and generosity that feels amazing to give when we have it. If you aren’t in a resourced state, let the person know. And let them know when you will be resourced enough to listen to them.
- Have compassion and show empathy. Expressing empathy validates that we see their story from their perspective. Even if we don’t agree with what they are saying we can let them know that their experience is valid by saying (and meaning) phrases like, “I relate to that,” or “I understand”. It’s also important to keep our comments and opinions to ourselves, which will help them be authentic in their sharing.
- See the person who is talking through the lens that they are contributing to you, that they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and that they have their own answers. Whether it’s a spouse, child, friend, or parent, when you see them through this lens, it’s so much easier to want to fully understand them.
If you already use some of these strategies or decide to try them out for the first time, I’d love to hear about your experience! Do you feel more connected when you listen to fully understand?
